


Till the End of the Universe and Back

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Established Relationship, Fear, Late Night Conversations, Love, M/M, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Self-Loathing, Separation Anxiety, reassurance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 14:34:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7938268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes all an anxious Hologram needs is a little reassurance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Till the End of the Universe and Back

It was four in the morning but Arnold J. Rimmer couldn't sleep. For most of the night he had simply sat on the edge of the bed in the Captain's room staring at the man sleeping next to him.  
They had been together for two years now and he could say, with complete certainty, that these years had been the happiest of his entire existence. But still, for some reason, there was something inside of him that could simply never truly believe that _Dave Lister_ , the man he had loved from the moment he had met him, would willingly be with him. It was a fear that was always there on the back of his mind, even though Lister had showed him that he truly genuinely loved him in so many ways. At least once or twice a week Rimmer would suffer an anxiety attack in which he was convinced that it was all a illusion and that one day Lister would tell him it had all been a long elaborate joke or that he would just disappear.  
  
Dave Lister, the man who had made Arnold Rimmer come alive after death. The saviour who had made him slowly let go of his painful past. He would be lost without him. Lister was the one who had kept him going, who had made him see he was not the useless, hated failure he thought he was.  
He wasn't was he? A new panic rose: Maybe Lister was just blind to his uselessness after all these years? Or ... maybe he simply loved him because he used to be Ace Rimmer? Maybe he only loved him because there were no-other human life forms around anymore (the Cat didn't count.)  
  
Soon his mind was filled with fear, doubt and self hate: He was a failure, not good enough for Lister, his partner would soon see him for the fraud he was, he convinced himself. Soon it would be over, Lister would get fed up, hate him and drop him on the nearest asteroid.  
  
_"No, no, stop it!!! Lister loves me!!"_ Rimmer desperately begged his brain and feverishly pounding simulated heartbeat.  
  
_"You're lying to yourself ..."_ The evil anxious self loathing beast hissed in his brain. And the anxiety rose. On and on his mind went over all the reasons why he would eventually lose Lister and why he was nothing but a pathetic burden.  
  
Focusing his eyes on his sleeping lover Rimmer valiantly tried to stop the panic that threatened to drown him. He fought to repress the anxiety that tried to eat his happiness. But he couldn't help it: he felt as if he was leaving his body and forced into a glass cage without oxygen. Soon tears begun to flow as his breathing became more ragged and he uttered a tiny whimper.  
  
Tiny, but loud enough to stir Lister, whom woke and blinked sleepily at the man staring at him so intensely through teary eyes.  
  
“What ya doing Arnie?” he asked, drowsily.  
  
“Can't sleep …” Rimmer tried to say as calm as he could possibly manage. But his weezy breathing was clearly noticed by his partner, who frowned at the sound.  “I was just looking at you and thinking …”  
  
“About what, babe?” Lister looked at him with evident concern.  
  
“That … that I still can't believe you could really love me …”  
  
Lister shook his head and sighed with a smile. He sat up and kissed his Hologram tenderly. Then he wrapped him into his arms and begun softly rubbing his back in circles, the only thing that always calmed Rimmer completely.

For a while Lister just rocked him, until his breathing calmed the voices faded and he slowly felt as if he was actually back in the room. Only then Lister replied:   
  
“Well, ya better believe it. I love you till the end of the universe and back.”

At that moment, hearing those words, feeling Lister's arms around him, Rimmer knew it was true and the Hologram felt his heart soar and fill with unimaginable, unsurpassed bliss and love, so much love.  
In the back of his mind he knew that in a few days the panic and intrusive thoughts and anxiety would undoubtedly return, but he also knew that Lister's safe embrace would always be there to steer them away again. He knew that Lister somehow would always keep him safe.  
  
“I … I can't describe how much I love you Listy, how much you mean to me." Rimmer half sobbed half whispered in Lister's neck. "You … you are my life, what I breath what I feel, without you … life would be nothing.”  
  
He heard a soft, gentle chuckle somewhere in his curls. Then the embrace loosened and Lister's sleep worn face smiled at him from very close by.  
  
“Hey now, a little less of the dramatics so late at night eh, babe. I ain't going no-where. You're clearly exhausted and freezing. Now, come into my arms and get some sleep.”

Rimmer obeyed without question, finally feeling safe in Lister's arms, feeling his warmth and his breath on his skin he was asleep in no time and dreamed, dreamed of … Lister.


End file.
